I had one of those days yesterday.
I don’t know what set it off. I don’t know why I get set off. I don’t know why I felt like that and I don’t know why it just comes and goes.
Work wasn’t too bad, the same old customers, the same old stressful day at work. But I could feel it coming on. You know what I mean. Your head starts to cloud over all of the positive things and replace them with disastrous, negative and painful thoughts. One minute you are thinking about going on holiday, having a baby, your future. The next you start to question why you are here, why anyone loves you and why you didn’t just die when you was hit off your motorbike a few years back.
To be truly honest, I’ve not been bad recently. I know I’ve talked in the past about these stages I go through. Some would call it depression. I’ve never been to the doctors about it so have never been “diagnosed” – but I assume its the same thing. I don’t need a name for it. Well I guess I would just call it the Devil.
But whatever the issue is, it happened yesterday.
I didn’t mean to, but I quickly became an empty soul, a shadow of what I normally am.
All of a sudden I didn’t smile any more. I didn’t find the tele funny and I wasn’t happy. In fact the tv would have been better smashed on the floor, the house on fire and me there with out a care in the world, lonely in said house.
I felt myself becoming distant from the real world and more importantly from my girlfriend.
Now its actually impossible to explain how you feel to someone who has never experienced this.
I basically wanted to shut off or just disappear. Everything becomes hard work. I don’t want to get changed, I didn’t want to eat and I couldn’t care less what was on the Tele as mt mind wasn’t registering a single word that was being said.
You start telling yourself your life is rubbish, is not what you expected it to be and that you are a waste of space, not worthy of the life toy have been given.
It isn’t possible to stop this. Well for me it just shuts off and things go back to normal.
You know in The Lord Of The Rings when Frodo puts the ring on his finger and goes in to another dimension? I’m that guy. The helpless, innocent being plagued by evil, dark and vicious thoughts that may one day be too much to overcome, too over powering to snap out of and eventually take over your life.
But for now, my friends, I’m fighting for another day.
Last night I did something I’ve not done in a long time. I sat and stared at a picture of our babies scan whilst just simply watching my peaceful girlfriend sleep. It may have brought a tear to my eye. But reminded me why I wake up each morning. It reiterated my purpose.
Today IS a new day.
I wont let it get to me today.